Things are stable today but yesterday was pretty topsy-turvey.
A doctor from the HSE came to see me out of the blue yesterday and after discussing the matter of I mentioning a certain patient by name here, she suggested that I go in to hospital in Tralee.
She asked if I could remove this patient's name, and I said 'No, we have something called the right to free speech in this country'.
So, due to the fact that I was refusing to remove the gentleman's name, she concluded that I was not thinking logically and that I was unwell.
My heart started racing straight away and I had no alternative but to backtrack and agree to remove the patient's name.
I was quite reluctant to do this but it was either that, or go back inside the admissions unit in Tralee.
So after I agreed to remove the name, herself and the nurse accompanying her got up and left.
That was quite a close shave from my point of view but thanks to all of the meditation I have been doing I was able to rationalize and process my emotions quite quickly and came to a logical conclusion - that the name must be taken down from mcquinnreport.com.
It seems to me that the HSE and Kerry Mental Health Services are watching my facebook and internet activity quite closely at this point.
My father came to see me today and explained matters to me.
Basically, due to the fact that I am in the care of the HSE/Kerry Mental Health Services, the HSE/Kerry Mental Health Services can be held legally responsible for my actions.
So they have to make sure that all patients in their care are not exposing the HSE to unnecessary risk.
And the solution that the doctor came up with yesterday was to hospitalize me and prescribe additional treatment for me in the hospital.
It feels a bit like blackmail from my point of view and not fair play, but rather foul play.
Were I to be in the care of St Patrick's Mental Health Services in Dublin, it would be a similar situation. They wouldn't like me mentioning people's names and they would be inclined to order me to take down those names mentioned.
At the end of the day, the most significant obstacle in the way of evolution and improvement in the Mental Health Services in this country is to do with legal liability.
These organisations just don't want to be held legally responsible and liable in a court of law for so-called mentally-ill patients who in their care. It could mean jail.
I will have to wait and see what my GP in Tralee can come up with for me. I am inclined to believe that it will be more of the same, within a private setting, rather than a public one such as the HSE/Kerry Mental Health Services.
It could entail regular trips to the St Pat's clinic in Mahon, Cork. It that's what he comes up with I think I should respectfully decline.
How my struggle with so-called 'mental illness' began
Today my father Eddie and I went for what was quite a pleasant walk in the sun here in Killarney, Co. Kerry.
I got to explain to Dad what happened in Liverpool in 2012 - my first admission to a psychiatric unit and the time I tried to enter the training grounds of Liverpool FC and show them what I can do as a soccer player.
Unfortunately, my efforts at playing for Liverpool back in 2012 didn't go so well. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital under the treatment of a psychiatrist.
It all started in 1996, when we, the Oakpark FC U-16 team, travelled to Liverpool to play two friendly games.
I won man of the match and shortly after returning to school in Tralee heard that they wanted to sign me. However, I had no money to my name back then and couldn't get the money from my parents to travel over to Liverpool and join their underage ranks.
So I heard from a friend during my time working in Cork in 2007 that I should go over and 'see what they would say to me'. I also heard the same thing in 2012 from a friend in Tralee that I should 'go over and see what they say'.
One thing I'd like to point out about this whole sorry episode of my life: I have never received any communication from Liverpool whatsoever about me playing for them. And I often wonder why.
In 2012 after hearing from a friend in Tralee I travelled over, alone, to Liverpool to see what the story was.
I sent a letter to the football club. I sent a Facebook message to the club captain Steven Gerrard. I phoned up the club and the lady at the other end of the line had never heard of my name. So after all this I decided to head over by myself.
To my utter disappointment, I was refused entry to the training grounds. I ended up getting arrested three times and brought before a judge there. My father received a call from Merseyside Police whilst on holiday in Marbella that his presence was requested at my hearing.
I saw both of my parents in the gallery during my hearing. The hearing lasted less than a minute, during which I was 'bound over' to keep the peace. After that I was released from custody.
However, when I got to the front of the courthouse, my parents were nowhere to be seen. I hung around in the cold evening breeze for a few minutes and still, no sign of either of them. So I decided to go straight back to the training ground at Melwood and 'try my hand with the team' for a third time.
This time however the Police decided to bring me to a psychiatric hospital due to the fact that I admitted that I had a history of mental illness and I spent the next three to four months there until I took a flight back to Shannon where my mother picked me up and brought me to Abbeydorney. And the following year, 2013, marked the start of my treatment from the HSE/Kerry Mental Health Services.
All I can say about my family - my brother, my father and my mother - is that they have done their best and want the best for me. And that I what I must try to bear in mind going forward.
With my twice-daily meditation routine, I am steadily eliminating one personal issue after another. Emily Fletcher at zivameditation.com did say recently, if my memory serves me correctly, that it is after one year of the regular meditation routine that one really begins to see the benefits of meditation.
For those of you curious to know where I get my ideas on psychiatry from, please go to madinamerica.com. Here there is a wealth of articles on modern psychiatry and ideas on how modern psychiatric practices could be improved.
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