Bitcoin's Lightning network; the darker sides of my Schizophrenia; my sometimes difficult relationship with my father

How I am going to deal with my abusive father

Bitcoin's Lightning network; the darker sides of my Schizophrenia; my sometimes difficult relationship with my father

Difficulties in getting started with the Lightning network

I've been meaning to give the councillor Jackie Harvey in Killorglin a call for some time. This morning I managed to get a hold of her and sadly she told me that she is fully booked-up at the moment. I will have to let my naturopath know that she is unavailable.

My other problem this week is to do with Lightning Network. I am trying to get set up on Btcpayserver to accept lightning payments, as they are much cheaper and faster than the regular bitcoin payment option. However whenever I try to send satoshis from my wallet, which is the Wallet of Satoshi, the transaction fails to go through and I receive an error message from Wallet of Satoshi. I have been searching on google for some help but there doesn't seem to be much out there in the way of help, unfortunately. I sent an email seeking help to lightningto.me and they told me that they couldn't provide help with something such as this, that I would have to look online for assistance.

Basically I asked lightningto.me what they meant by the phrase 'open a channel' and they said they couldn't help me.

God help anybody who is running a business and is trying to get set up with lightning. There is no help out there whatsoever.

Getting started on Lightning was described on some site or another as 'tricky'. Anybody I ask they just say no, I cannot help you and leave me hanging in midair.


The darker sides of my life

I called my friend Tim yesterday evening and he said he is trying to withdraw from his anti-psychotic medication, the same as myself. I have been trying to come off these medications since 2012 - I have made at least half a dozen different attempts - and failed each time.

And now I am trying once more to come off these medications.

However, this time is different. Because this time I have my naturopath on my side advising me. The last time we spoke, which was March 25 if my memory serves me rightly, she said not to do any more reductions on the dose until we speak again.

Well, that appointment is fast approaching - April 29th, 2021. It is only a week and a half away at this stage. I have already sent her an update by email and am considering sending her another update informing her that Jackie Harvey is fully booked and cannot see me.

In any event, I am not convinced that I would benefit from counselling.

I went for counselling in my twenties and back then, my problems were quite different from now. Back then, I was struggling at work, struggling with my brother and family, struggling with sleep. I have since overcome those difficulties, apart from sleep.

Now my number one problem is to do with my medication. Also, my sleep. The meditation that I am doing is really making an enormous difference however.

Within two months of commencing the twice-daily meditation practice in the hospital last year I quit smoking.

I seem to be solving my problems one by one, since starting the twice-daily meditation practice.

For a couple of week or so after realizing that it's a bad idea to fight fire with fire, my concentration was quite good.

However, yesterday evening as I lay in bed trying to take in what was being said on youtube and my podcast player, I was dwelling upon something else, some other issue that is impeding me and holding me back. I am struggling to recall precisely what those thoughts were, I think it had to do with all of the people who had harmed me.

There is nobody here that I have an issue with apart from sometimes one patient in particular. He sits at the dinner table quite often with drool running down from his mouth. My cousin Peter had that issue also. In fact, I think I may have even had it myself in my early twenties when I was a student.

Brid Corkery prescribed some kind of old school anti-depressant or anti-psychotic for me and I was totally zonked and drooling from the mouth. I managed to overcome that particular issue.

I think for me it is quite important that I keep away from my father, Eddie. He does not do much for me when we meet and generally we don't get along very well at all. It is my father generally that gets me admitted to hospital. That's why I need a place of my own away from my mother and father.

Staying in his apartment in Tralee wouldn't cut it either. He'd be walking in and out as if he owned the place (which he does too btw).

Sometimes it's hard to know what to do. I need to get as far away from my abusive father as possible. He abused me as a child and I have never gotten over it. I have said it to him and he denied that he was ever violent towards me.

He was quiet abusive of me when I was a young child and we were living in Woodlee, Tralee. Now he is in denial. Bastard.

It started with physical abuse as a young infant and now he keeps getting me committed to the psych ward.

I don't think I'll ever get over my father's abuse. He is just about the last remaining personal issue that I haven't overcome since starting the twice-daily meditation routine last May 23, 2020 whilst a patient in the UHK psychiatric ward.

There is perhaps only one or two other issues on my mind, and those are Billy and Peter Q. in school. Billy used to say incredibly mean and nasty things to me when we were in school together; Peter Q. beat the daylights out of me during a game of football. I haven't gotten over either of their abuse.

Those are the three people, the three abusers, that I am still trying to get over. My father, Billy and Peter Q. And it doesn't feel as though I am going to get over them any time soon. I might google something now and see what comes up.


How I am going to deal with my abusive father Eddie McQuinn

Last weekend my father Eddie McQuinn, our friend Ollie Switzer and I went for a walk in Carrauntoohill.

It didn't go very well.

Half way through the walk I made a statement to the two of them and there was my father scoffing at me.

He has done this quite a number of times recently in front of Ollie.

It upsets me no end.

This is how I am going to deal with it:

Yesterday my mother Mary came to visit me and I raised this issue with her. She advised me that I should stay away from him and avoid him if at all possible.

So that is what I am going to do.

He will message me on whatsapp to let me know that he is thinking of calling over to visit.

I will reply along these lines: "Mom has advised me to stay away from you".

That is all I will say.

If I am ever in Eddie McQuinn's company again I expect the smirking and scoffing will continue unabated.

That's about it for this weeks report, stay tuned to hear next week about what it's like to be a diagnosed schoziphrenic in modern Ireland today.

ps I've just put in a call to change my next of kin to Sun, my fiancé and mother of our child, Eric.